news feeds may 23

Well, it has been a while since any updates. It happens. It's summertime(ish) so you have to get outside. And the onion is far better staffed than I am and offer much more biting satire. 

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Holy crap! Canadian politics is where it at these days for scandals. On the heels of Mike Duffy-gate (PEI senator who got busted for extravagant spending and doctoring documents), Toronto Mayor Rob Ford smokes crack. It's a joke that has no doubt been thrown around water coolers on Bay Street before the allegations were made public last Thursday on New York City website Gawker. Mayor Ford is allegedly seen on camera smoking crack-cocaine, making homophobic slurs and taking photos with known drug dealers and gang members. He called the claim ridiculous and that is basically all he has said about the scandal, his brother chiming in with a few words, listing the soon-to-be outgoing mayors list of political accolades.  Doesn't end there. Ford was fired from his volunteer job coaching a high school football team, the Toronto Catholic School Board claiming the decision was made before the scandal broke. Today, Thursday May 23, Ford fired his Chief of Staff Mark Towey who said "I am no longer the chief of staff. I did not resign," while being escorted out of city hall by security guards bearing bulletproof vests. Reporters were camped outside of Ford office hoping the mayor would emerge to field some questions, but he was locked up like Hitler's last days and left the office without talking to reporters. I saw the still, it looks like Rob Ford. It is more likely Ford was photoshopped into the photo than the person not being him if he is in fact innocent. Kids are whizzes with technology as one Ford supporter claimed but the man in the still is Rob Ford. He is dodging everyone including his mother regarding the issue, and he seems progressively guiltier the more he keeps quiet. And for the Chris Farley of North American mayors who is known to talk a lot, the silence is deafening. 

In other mayors smoking crack news, remember Marion Barry? The former mayor of Washington, D.C. had long been suspected a crack smoker. Federal official had been investigating the mayor for six years before finally being busted in January 1990 in a hotel with former girlfriend and model Rasheeda Moore. Barry was eventually sentenced to six months right in the middle of the election campaign, which he obviously lost. But the cream, and the crack always rises as Barry was re-elected as mayor of the capital of the United States for a fourth term from 1995-1999 shocking the nation that a convicted crack user can run the capital of the most powerful nation in the world (well… at the time). He currently serves on the DC council but has still found some trouble in his time off, including tax evasion, countless traffic violations, misdemeanour stalking, and the racist remarks he made at a party celebrating his primary victory for his council seat. Good times with crack addicted mayors!

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George Stroumboulopoulos has been in the Canadian public eye for years, first as a Much Music VJ, transitioning into his hour long talk show The Hour (now called George Stroumboulopoulos Tonight) which has been airing on CBC since 2005. Strombo is moving on to news juggernaut CNN for a new show, similar in format to his current talk show, to air on Friday nights. Guests of the show, which is to film in Los Angeles and air this summer, include Keanu Reeves, Bill Maher, Betty White, Ellen Page and Martin Short. CNN stalwart (with outstanding hair) Anderson Cooper sent a tweet to George saying 'I'm excited the very talented George Stroumboulopoulos @Strombo is joining CNN with New Friday Night Program,' and another twitter using pointing out she hopes people don't get George Stroumboulopoulos' show confused with George Stephanopoulos'. Seemed funny at the time.

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Jeff Hanneman, founding guitarist of Slayer died earlier this month from alcohol related cirrhosis at the age of 49. Jeff appeared on every Slayer record and along with Kerry King wrote most of the tunes. Hanneman penned Slayer classics "South Of Heaven," "Raining Blood," "Angel Of Death," "Live Undead," "War Ensemble," "Bitter Peace," and "Disciple" most of which are played at every single Slayer concert. Slayer were in the midst of writing a new album, their first since 2009's "World Painted Blood" and I'm sure they will record it and tour but no guitarist has been named to replace Hanneman. The man could shred so here's a couple nuggets of excellence. Cheers Jeff! Enjoy:

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Legendary Reno, Nevada punks 7 Seconds have signed with Rise Records. The band has put out nine full length and countless 7"s and compilations and have not released a studio record since 2005's "Take It Back, Take It On, Take It Over." The band came to prominence in the hardcore scene with 1984's "The Crew" but it was 1985's "Walk Together, Rock Together" that really put the band on the map in the punk and college radio scenes. My favourite 7 Seconds record, their third "New Wind," dropped in 1986. The band mellowed out considerably for their next few records "Ourselves," "Soulforce Revolution," "Out the Shizzy," before releasing their major label debut, "The Music, the Message" in 1995, returning to playing faster tempos no doubt to coincide with the reemergence of punk rock in the mid nineties. They released albums sporadically, 1999's "Good To Go" was terrific as was their last effort "Take It Back…" It'll be good to have them back. RE: The new record Kevin Seconds said "We have about 20 new songs that we'll record the best 13 songs from. This new record will be all about the energy and drive we still very much possess as a hardcore band. It's been 9 long years since we've recorded a new album so there's a great deal of urgency in them, with just the right mixture of both fast and mid-tempo tunes for people to sink their teeth into." Looking forward to some new songs.. Here's a rager or two:

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Not a good wrap for metal singers. Or steroids. Tim Lambesis, singer of overrated metal longhairs As I Lay Dying has been arrested recently in a murder for hire plot against his estranged wife. His lawyer is now claiming that the vocalist was on steroids thus "his thought processes were devastatingly affected" by his continued abuse. He was picked up after soliciting an undercover police officer to kill his wife Meggan who had filed for divorce in September 2012. In a bitch move, he sent his wife an email from the road and told her that he no longer loved her and he no longer believed in God. Oh, early in their career As I Lay Dying thought themselves to be a Christian band. Riiight… Anywho, his trial is ongoing. At minimum, spare us of his music.

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THERE'S ALWAYS MONEY IN THE BANANA STAND! Arrested Development comes back for a fourth season on May 26 when Netflix resurrects the Fox classic (is it old enough to be classic) show about the dysfunctional Bluth family. It has been seven years since the third season wrapped up and fans of the show who have been petitioning for the show to come back can finally relax and sink into all fifteen episodes of the fourth season at once, in this, the new age of television distribution. There will also be a feature length film that will take place chronologically after the fourth season and presumably wrap up the series. Rolling Stone has compiled some of the funniest jokes from the shows original 2003-2006 run. The show stars Jason Bateman, Will Arnett, Portia De Rossi, Michael Cera, Alia Shawkat, Tony Hale, David Cross, Jeffrey Tambor, Jessica Walter and God knows who else will show up in the new season (like Julia Louis-Dreyfus' sometimes blind-sometimes pregnant lawyer ex-fling of Michael Bluth or the vertigo crippled Lucille 2?)

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What's the best part about a lockout shortened season? The playoffs! Everyone is in midseason for due to the half season so we are being treated to some of the best hockey in years. The first round was as entertaining as it can get which how competitive of a league the NHL actually is. The stacked and heavily favoured PIttsburgh Penguins were in tough again the Islanders who, led by Johnny Tavares, Matt Moulson and Brad Boyes gave a scare to the first seeded Penguins. Pittsburgh won the series in 6 games, but look out for the Islanders in the coming seasons. Second seeded Montreal got spanked by divisional rivals Ottawa in five games, with game three in Ottawa being quite the fight filled affair with a full line brawl and PK Subban straddling Kyle Turris while filling him in with haymakers. By virtue of having the divisional leaders seeded 1-2-3 no matter what their point total was, the Washington Capitals got the third spot in the conference but were beaten by the sixth seeded, underachieving New York Rangers (currently down 3-0 vs Boston in round two.)

Maybe I'm a bit biased… but my favourite (and most heart wrenching) series of the first round was the Boston Bruins and the Toronto Maple Leafs. It has been well documented that the Leafs had not played a post season game in nine seasons due to bonehead plays both on the ice and in the front office, and that the Bruins, at least since their emergence as a powerhouse, OWN the Leafs. They beat the Leafs bad. They are bigger, more skilled, more experienced and know how to win much better than the Leafs roster, who other than Joffrey Lupul, Dion Phaneuf, James van Riemsdyk the team has minimal playoff experience and they were given much of a chance against the Bruins. The series went as expected, the Bruins building a 3-1 series lead. Game 4 was an excruciating loss for the team, with captain Phaneuf making a terrible pinch in OT to let the Bruins go in and score for the win after the Leafs and goalie James Reimer outplayed the Bruins in the contest fairly handily. The Leafs rattle off two convincing wins, one at home, one on the road to set up a game 7 showdown in Boston. Both teams traded chances and played fairly evenly until eventually the Leafs has built up a 4-1 lead early in the third. Milan Lucic score a goal for the Bruins to make it 4-2 about halfway through the period. Two goals.. we can do this. Apparently, we can't and you know what happens next; it's 4-3 with a minute and a half to go before Patrice Bergeron ties it up in regulation before winning it in overtime on a garbage goal. Can't fault Reimer however, who may have legitimized himself as a actual first string goaltender in this league during  the course of the series. Tough series for the team, and the city, but hopefully lessons were learned and we don't have to wait another 9 years for some more playoff games. It's classic adage for a Leaf fan to say "Wait till next year!" so I won't say that but I will say that this team is looking good, but they aren't Cup contenders and are more than a few pieces away, but I'm still excited for where the team is going, and I have felt that way since Dougie, Felix and Wendal were in town..

I digress… Western Conference. The Presidents Trophy winning Chicago Blackhawks faced off against the Minnesota Wild (remember when many hockey prognosticators picked them to win the Cup?) and the Hawks made quick work, handling the Wild in five games. The second seeded Anaheim Ducks were given all they could handle by the underdog Detroit Red Wings (underdog with Datsyuk, Zetterberg, Franzen… ok) in what was probably the most entertaining first round series in the West. The Wings won three games in overtime, and seemed at times to be barely clinging on in the series, but overcame like the veterans they are to win game 7 by a 3-2 score. Vancouver (3) vs San Jose (6). Sleeper of a series. The only solace is that I can't stand the Canucks and the Sedin's and was glad they got swept, even though I would love to see the Hawks-Canucks playoff fire again. Defending champs LA Kings took on the St. Louis Blues and despite dropping the first two games of the series, the Kings roared back to win the next four and the series. 

Second round in on now (currently watching Hawks - Wings game 4 as I type this) with two original six matchups, one in each conference with the Boston Bruins and New York Rangers (Rangers are down 3-0 in the series and 2-0 in game 4 so bye) in the East and the aforementioned Chicago Blackhawks and Detroit Red Wings series. The other series in the East has the Pittsburgh Penguins with a 3-1 lead in their series with the Ottawa Senators and the West features an all-California series with the Kings taking on the San Jose Sharks, currently tied at two games a piece.

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Love this sketch:

news feeds april 6

The Evil Dead remake. The thought of anyone touching any of the films from Sam Raimi's classic horror-slapstick trilogy makes me want to cringe. The first film was made on a shoe string budget that had bad acting, a terrible script and worse special effects but this added to the films charm. It was played as a straight horror film for the most part, leaving the slapstick to "Evil Dead II: Dead By Dawn" and "Army Of Darkness." "Evil Dead II" was basically a remake of the first film, at least for the first act, before the uni-handed Bruce Campbell greets visitors of the demon and human persuasion. Our hero Ash, played by B film legend Bruce Campbell not only kicked ass but took names from the aforementioned demons before opening some kind of time portal that sends him back in time, with his car or course. Ash's exploits in the past is explored in "Army Of Darkness," which is chalk full of Three Stooges-style slapstick bits (see the scene army of little Ash's), multiple zombie deaths by chainsaw, an army of skeletons ala Jason & the Argonauts and some of the best (or worst) one liners ever put on film. Anyways, easily my favourite horror film series and not something that I want to be screwed with. The remake follows the script fairly closely and is produced by Raimi and Bruce themselves, making me a lot less scared of the potential butchering of a brilliant franchise. 

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Messy Snipes is out of jail! We can expect a "Blade 4" (maybe that already exists) on DVD in bargain stores within the next few weeks. The star of not just crap movies (see Major League, White Men Can't Jump, Demolition Man to name a couple) has been released from a Pennsylvania jail after serving three years for felony tax fraud and conspiracy charges. A jury convicted him of willfully failing to file tax returns from 1999-2001 and even had an unsuccessful appeal to his sentence in 2011. The first thing I ever saw Wesley Snipes in was "Major League," and I thought he was hysterical as Willie 'Mays' Hayes, the smartass base stealing centre fielder from the fictitious version of the 1989 Cleveland Indians. Things got real in 1991's "New Jack City" where we saw a no nonsense Messy as a drug lord during New York City's crack epidemic. Despite his horrendous blonde hair and overalls with no shirt wardrobe, my favourite character he played was Simon Phoenix in 1993's "Demolition Man." The film was the story of two cryogenically frozen 90s style action junkies, one maverick officer John Spartan, wrongfully accused prisoner and Snipes as supercriminal Phoenix. The two get unthawed in the year 2032 and find the world significantly different than the one they had known. After an earthquake in 2010, the world rebuilt itself into a society that didn't do anything wrong. For reals… you couldn't even kiss. Phoenix and Spartan battle it out in the future amongst the new age yuppies, bringing Lenina Huxley (Sandra Bullock) and Edgar Friendly (Denis Leary) along for the ride. Anyways, point being, if they had cryogenically frozen Wesley he could have starred in a Demolition Man reality show in 2032. Welcome home, Messy!

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New Kids On the Block won't die. But thankfully, they may be closer to breaking up. The group, which is still apparently together, hit a bump in the road when one of them (does it matter which? Ok, it was Jonathan) ran off the stage mid-performance during the horrifyingly bad ballad "Survive You" and… oh who gives a rip. Break up already, no one cares, k-thanks.

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Thomas Guiry who played nerd Scotty Smalls in "The Sandlot" recently gave an interview to promote the 20th anniversary of the film. Since it is one of the best baseball movies of all time (after "Major League," the "Slap Shot" of baseball) and its opening week why not reflect a bit on the film. I actually haven't watched it this year, which is pretty week, since it a go-to anytime during baseball season in past years. It involves friends, summer, baseball, first kiss, first time getting in trouble, and coming of age. Scotty Smalls was in awe of the kids at the sandlot, a run down old field, who play baseball all day, every day. He noted they had 8 players and figured he could be the 9th even though he doesn't know how to actually play. All the kids, except Benny, think Scotty is hopeless, which is fairly accurate. Over the course of the summer the kids get into trouble at the pool, get mockingly challenged by a local minor league team, losing a signed Babe Ruth ball that belonged to Scotty's dad and just being young. Dennis Leary and Karen Allen play Scott's stepdad and mother, with James Earl Jones as the owner of "the beast," the giant dog who ate the signed Babe Ruth ball. Check out the interview HERE.

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It has been 19 years since Kurt Cobain shot himself at his home in Seattle. Not that I like writing about things that are depressing and such, it should be touched upon since the guy was awesome. I listened to him since I was a younging, broke it off for a while because.. you know, grade 11, punk rock politics etc.. and got back on board a good ten years ago, and they are truly one of my favourite bands. Nirvana formed in 1985 and went into the studio in December of 1988 to record their debut album "Bleach." The album was their angriest offering, which is often the case with hard rock bands but showed the poppy hooks that were littered all over their subsequent releases. "About a Girl" is about as a Beatles of a song as you will find in their catalog, Cobain always being a colossal fan of John Lennon. After demo session in April 1990 with producer Butch Vig, the band became disenchanted with original drummer Chad Channing's drumming and were introduced to Dave Grohl of Washington punk band Scream. Within minutes of auditioning, bassist Krist Novoselic said "We knew in two minutes that he was the right drummer." The band signed with Geffen Records in 1990 and begun recording their sophomore album "Nevermind," the album that changed everything. It actually is probably my least favourite of their three proper studio full lengths (possibly because of listening to them too much) but I can't deny how good most of the songs are on the record. "On a Plain," "Lithium," "Lounge Act," "Territorial Pissings," "Drain You" all rank up with their best work, and if you add in "Smells Like Teen Spirit," "In Bloom," and "Come As You Are" you do have a near perfect record so long as you haven't heard the singles ten million times. The band cranked it up a notch in what would be their swan song, 1993's "In Utero," enlisting indie elitist producer Steve Albini to do the album. The drums sounded like thunder, and Kurt never sounded more angry or melancholic. Definitely my favourite Nirvana record and why not? "Serve the Servants," "Scentless Apprentice," "Frances Farmer…," "Milk It," "Radio Friendly Unit Shifter," it is hard to pick a favourite song from the album. 

In a strange twist, also on April 5 but just eleven years ago another Seattle star died in a drug related death. Layne Staley formed Alice In Chains with Jerry Cantrell in 1987, the band had much more heavy metal roots than Nirvana despite eventually being lumped into the grunge category with them. Their first album came out in August 1990 but the band didn't really take off until the release of the "Singles" soundtrack in 1992, which showcased many Seattle area bands, and included Alice's song "Would?" which would appear as the closing track on their second album "Dirt." The album is the bands best record and I would recommend it to anyone, despite the fact is definitely feels more dated than Nirvana's material. I think its because sometimes they sound too much like a vowel vocal band ala Pearl Jam. The album contained "Them Bones," "Down In a Hole," "Junkhead," "Angry Chair," "Rooster" and "Dam the River" and showcases the band are their sharpest, despite their potentially cloudy state of mind. Layne died in 2002 after years of battling cocaine and heroin addiction. 

While I'm in obituary mode, here's to Roger Ebert, one of the only critics who consistently got it right. He and his writing will be missed.

Gene Siskel and Roger Ebert

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Current Red Sox and former Blue Jay manager John Farrell is back in Toronto for the first time since leaving the club during the offseason. He was welcomed by players who were excited to see his former skip but that more than you can say for the fans who serenaded him with boos right from the get-go at the lineup exchange overshadowing Josh Johnson's first start for the Blue Jays. It was a back and for match with the Red Sox rushing out to a 4-1 lead before the Blue Jays tied it up only to see the Sox tag on two more runs and their closer Jack Hanarhan sealing the 6-4 victory as Farrell got the last laugh. Game two, just finished, and since I was doing this blog during the game and was only looking up periodically I noticed that other than Jacoby Ellsbury's lead off double the Red Sox had absolute zip going on at the plate. Boston starter John Lackey left the game after a brutal looking pitching motion, where the hurler grabbed his bicep in obvious discomfort. Lackey missed all of 2012 because of Tommy John surgery and looked sharp other than the 2-run jack surrendered to J.P. Arencebia and it looks like he may miss some time (strained right bicep), which hurts the Red Sox since the have a tough April schedule with just 2 days off before the end of the month. The Jays shut out the Red Sox with a 5-0 one hitter. The teams play the rubber match tomorrow at the Rogers Centre with staff aces John Lester (1-0) and R.A. Dickey (0-1) locking horns. 

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Norma Jean are funny. Here's a lyrics video to "their 6 second opus, 'Shark Bite'" Funny guys…

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news feeds march 31

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"The Internet: It's like never leaving junior high." Ya think? Janet Sternberg, a communications professor at Fordham University in New York says "The Internet and digital media have produced this Peter Pan effect where we never grow up, we're like perpetual children, we never have to be responsible for anything - we keep this juvenile mentality. We say whatever's on our mind. Restaint is one of the signs of adulthood, and our whole culture is celebrating a lack of restraint." Great article dealing with grownup kids around the Internet. Click HERE to read on. 

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What does an actor who has played in damn near every style of film supposed to do when you've done it all? Look for a genre you have played in obviously. That's right: Clint Eastwood slated to direct a film adaptation of the hit musical "Jersey Boys." I definitely didn't see that one coming, but after Jon Farveau, who was originally attached to direct, backed out Clint has shown interest in taking the reigns. The Dirty Harry star has been interested in directing a musical for sometime now, trying to remake the Kris Kristofferson/Streisand clunker "A Star Is Born" with Beyonce playing the lead role. The project didn't get off the ground for a variety of reasons including Beyonce's pregnancy and the lack of a suitable leading man, and even though Beyonce has dropped off the project, Clint is still keen to get it done and may work on it once the Jersey Boys adaptation is complete. 

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In West Philadelphia, born and raised… The original (O.G.) Aunt Vivian (the better one) Janet Hubert says she is tired of fighting with the Fresh Prince himself, Will Smith. Hubert spent three seasons as the mother on the hit 90s sitcom, and portrayed Vivian as a much stronger and more intelligent mother figure than her replacement. But her and Smith never got along; she even went so far as saying Smith made her life a living hell. After twenty years of fighting she just wants to make peace with the rest of the cast. "I would say to him, we need to heal this. You've done some things, you've said some things, that were totally untrue and you know that they were untrue. I've said some things that I probably should have never said… I'm tired. Aren't you tired Will?" She was also asked by TheGrio.com if she would participate in a reunion and she said 'absolutely.' This is a far cry from her comments in when Will posted a picture on Facebook of the cast hanging out in 2011 where she told TMZ "There will never be a reunion, as I will never do anything with an asshole like Will Smith. He is still an egomaniac and has not grown up. This constant reunion thing will never ever happen in my lifetime unless there is an apology, which he doesn't know the word." I just love that show. That is all.

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It has been five long months since the San Francisco Giants captured their second World Series in three years, but have no fear, baseball is back tonight. The season kicks off with the Texas Rangers at Minute Maid Park playing their new divisional rivals, the Houston Astros. The 'Stros made the jump to the American League after spending their entire existence in the National League, giving Major League Baseball's six divisions an even five teams a piece. Houston also changed their uniforms, resurrecting the old colour scheme from the Astrodome era. I dig them. That is the only game this evening but don't worry, on Monday there are some great games lined up with 24 teams in action. The Red Sox and Yankees renew pleasantries at Yankee Stadium, the Champion Giants kick off their season against the Dodgers in Los Angeles, the Cubs are taking on the Pirates in Pittsburgh and the Phillies are in Atlanta to challenge the Upton brothers and the Braves. Blue Jays kick off their season in Toronto on Tuesday night against the new-look Cleveland Indians. 

Want to go to a game? Concession stand prices can add up more than the ticket itself pretty quickly. Hot dogs at a Mets game? $6.25. At the Reds stadium? A buck. Four dollars for a twelve ounce glass of beer in Cleveland or 16 ounces for $8. Here some good info on the cheapest and most expensive ball park foods (check out the $23 hotdog at Arlington Stadium in Texas). Check out the story HERE. 

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The Toronto Maple Leafs are looking pretty sharp. Since they have burned me so many times I don't want to be overly optimistic, but cautiously so. First off, they are fast. They looked so good in the game against Ottawa last night it was crazy, a convincing 4-0 win, and are currently riding an 8 game point streak. Other than the now ridiculously stacked Pittsburgh Penguins, the Leafs have one of the most prolific offences in the last couple weeks, with two lines playing exceptionally well. The pairings of Lupul/Kadri and Kessel/van Riemsdyk have been carrying the team offensively. Lupul has tucked in seven goals in his five games since returning from injury, scored a coast to coaster against the Canes, and looks just as unstoppable as he did last when he was among league leaders in scoring before being injured. Nazem Kadri is finally playing the way Brian Burke figured he would and currently sits sixth in league scoring including last nights 4 point performance (and second hat trick of the season). With a dozen games remaining things are looking pretty good for some meaningful hockey in the spring, but if they want to make sure they get in there they better play meaningful hockey until the season ends and the big dance begins.

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Going to see Bad Religion with The Bronx this evening. Should be a killer show.. Bad Religion is always one of my favourite bands to see live and The Bronx should be great as well, having just released their stellar fourth album. Here's a song or two:

For those who are into some P&V in your music, check out Heavy MTL's card this year. Pretty not bad. Here's the official lineup for this year's festival, which is happening on August 10-11 at Parc Jean-Drapeau in Montreal:

Avenged Sevenfold

Rob Zombie

Megadeth

Godsmack

Danzig with Doyle

A Day To Remember

Children Of Bodom

Mastodon

August Burns Red

At the Gates

Amon Amarth

Machine Head

Steel Panther

Gwar

Of Mice & Men

Finntroll

Baroness

Wintersun

Obey the Brave

The Acacia Strain

Halestorm

All Shall Perish

Cryptopsy

Augury

Unexpect

Oceano

Within the Ruins

Structures

Blackguard

Slaves On Dope

Havok

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news feeds march 11

Kevin Smith's last film will be a third instalment in the 'Clerks' series, calling it the "best movie I'll ever make." Smith has noted that the script will be a book first before being made into a film. The first movie was made for pennies (in Hollywood terms) and holds up/is still as funny as it ever was. I found 'Clerks 2' to be a little on the weaker side, and that film actually coincided with my View Askew Universe obsession coming to an end. Smith has made 'Clerks, 'Mallrats,' 'Chasing Amy,' 'Dogma,' "Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back,' and 'Clerks II' within the little universe he created. He has also put out 'Zach & Miri Make a Porno,' 'Jersey Girl,' 'Cop Out' and 'Red State.' Smith posted an image of the title page for the script on his Facebook page along with this note: 

THE BEGINNING OF THE END

20 years ago today, we started shooting CLERKS. 20 years later, with no plan or provocation, I jumped out of bed at 4:20 this morning and started writing CLERKS III. It's been like hanging out with old friends. And after two hours of tapping the keys and giggling, I have come to a conclusion… CLERKS III will be the best film I'll ever make. 

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In case we didn't know that Tom Hanks was an all-around awesome dude, he has provided more evidence to further prove that notion. Mr. Hanks, the two time Academy Award winner, was out at a bar putting back a couple pints with a friend when they noticed a some jovial fans in a nearby booth. Tom went over to the part-timers to see if he they were enjoying their eve and he took some hilariously candid photos with the intoxicated patrons. 

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"Women from all over the world have come together for pride, for glory and to honour greats before them, we are down to the final four, so strap on your seatbelts and get ready for some vagina weightlifting!" How stupid does that sound? Unfortunately, it is closer to reality that it ever should be. Tatyana Kozhenvnikova owns the title of World's Strongest Vagina because of her weightlifting prowess with said organ. In 2009, she hoisted 31 pounds and recently put her talents on display on the UK series, "The Body Shocking Show" on a segment that will air later this week. Unfortunately for Tatyana, there is no official Guinness World Record for vagina weightlifting, a fact that was confirmed by a Guinness spokeswoman. ESPN will be picking up broadcast rights later this year. 

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In real sports news, the New York Yankees are a hurting' unit right now. The Bombers lost outfielder Nick Swisher to the Indians and catcher Russell Martin to the Pirates, Alex Rodriguez is out until August and now first basemen Mark Teixeira is on the shelf for 8-10 weeks. Most free agents, at least ones who boast any kind of power, have been scooped up long ago, and with the significant upgrades in Toronto and Boston (not to mention the always solid Rays and surprising Orioles) the Yankees face the reality of occupying the basement in the American League East. So, GM Brian Cashman (who is also on IR) decided to go another route and try to coax a couple former All-Stars out of retirement. Cashman stated that new retiree Chipper Jones would be "perfect" adding he'd "take him in a minute. I think everybody would." Chipper seems uninterested in returning but Cashman insists it doesn't hurt to ask. They have also reached out to 2005 NL batting champ Derrick Lee, who should come at a decent price, since he hasn't played in the majors since 2011 and would be an immediate upgrade from any prospects the team currently has in their system. Juan Rivera played first in Sunday's game and seems to be the leading in-house candidate.

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Song. RETOX "Congratulations, You Are Good Enough"